As I've said in previous posts (although it might have been on my Tumblr blog, I'm not sure) I want this blog to be completely personal, and since I'm beginning to progress with my music rather than it just being me sitting in my room dreaming of having an album out, I think I'm gonna try and make this blog double as my 'Official Website' (sounds so fancy like that).

So, on that note, I thought I would do little updates every now and then, like for if I'm doing shows, or have a new video up, etc. Obviously, I have about 3 fans right now (thank you mum and dad and Jen) so it's not like anyone's going to be reading this, but I thought I'd do it anyway.

Well, quite a lot actually. If you're from the UK and are still in school/college, you will be on the wonderful thing called 'Summer Holiday'. Yay! Freedom to do what you were doing during term time without feeling guilty! Or, as some productive people use it as, a time to do extra revision and reading. I'm kind of in-between these two people.

During the first week of the holiday I: had a lovely BBQ with friends and managed to get heavily sunburnt; had old family friends visit that I hadn't seen in a long long time; performed at a music competition; came second (and discovered I'll still be opening for the winners at next year's festival); had my first ever writing session, and relaxed. Not bad if you ask me.

So that's done.

You hear it a lot, in varying forms. "Living their best life" "Making lemonade out of lemons" "Living to the fullest", but what does it actually mean?

I began contemplating this as I was lying in my hammock in my back garden after getting my grades back for my mocks at the end of the first year of college. They were good, subjectively, but to me, they felt like absolute shit. I began to question everything - no matter how hard I try, will I ever be successful?

Then I began to question what 'success' is for me. Is it not letting go of my dream of being a musician, or is it getting into Cambridge, or is it simply one day overcoming my depression and anxiety? Are all of these equal? Would I be filling my life to the fullest if I were to give up on naive dreams and strove to be the best in a traditional field, with a steady wage and security? Would I be filling my life to the fullest if I lost all reserves and went for it with music? Or would I just be living life to the fullest being content with my life? What will make me content?

This kind of ties in with the idea I've had since I was little that I began to question a few years ago. Ever since I was tiny I wanted to be known. For someone to see me and think "Wow, there's that girl! She's so cool!" or "Whoa, her music makes me smile/happy/cry/something". As I got older that morphed into something slightly different. Yes, I would still like to make a career with music, but because I want to help other people that have been in my shoes with my songs and because I feel like disability rights are few and far between, especially in pop culture conscience, and I want to raise awareness, not because I wanted my face on magazine's (although that would be pretty nice, I'm free anytime vogue). I had assumed that everyone wanted to be 'known' like I did, and yeah a lot of people do, but some don't and I guess that surprised me. The more I think about it, however, I start to question if just living a nice life, with nice people, in a nice neighbourhood, with a nice job and two cats would be me living me life to the fullest.

Is there really any one way to 'live your life to the fullest' or is it just about making the best of what you get? I wonder how much of life is pre-determined and how much I determination and hard work. I think it's a mix heavily waited on the determination. You know what they say "Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration".

There was a lot of rhetorical questions in this post, sorry about that. I'm just confused at the moment.