As I've said in previous posts (although it might have been on my Tumblr blog, I'm not sure) I want this blog to be completely personal, and since I'm beginning to progress with my music rather than it just being me sitting in my room dreaming of having an album out, I think I'm gonna try and make this blog double as my 'Official Website' (sounds so fancy like that).

So, on that note, I thought I would do little updates every now and then, like for if I'm doing shows, or have a new video up, etc. Obviously, I have about 3 fans right now (thank you mum and dad and Jen) so it's not like anyone's going to be reading this, but I thought I'd do it anyway.

Well, quite a lot actually. If you're from the UK and are still in school/college, you will be on the wonderful thing called 'Summer Holiday'. Yay! Freedom to do what you were doing during term time without feeling guilty! Or, as some productive people use it as, a time to do extra revision and reading. I'm kind of in-between these two people.

During the first week of the holiday I: had a lovely BBQ with friends and managed to get heavily sunburnt; had old family friends visit that I hadn't seen in a long long time; performed at a music competition; came second (and discovered I'll still be opening for the winners at next year's festival); had my first ever writing session, and relaxed. Not bad if you ask me.

So that's done.

You hear it a lot, in varying forms. "Living their best life" "Making lemonade out of lemons" "Living to the fullest", but what does it actually mean?

I began contemplating this as I was lying in my hammock in my back garden after getting my grades back for my mocks at the end of the first year of college. They were good, subjectively, but to me, they felt like absolute shit. I began to question everything - no matter how hard I try, will I ever be successful?

Then I began to question what 'success' is for me. Is it not letting go of my dream of being a musician, or is it getting into Cambridge, or is it simply one day overcoming my depression and anxiety? Are all of these equal? Would I be filling my life to the fullest if I were to give up on naive dreams and strove to be the best in a traditional field, with a steady wage and security? Would I be filling my life to the fullest if I lost all reserves and went for it with music? Or would I just be living life to the fullest being content with my life? What will make me content?

This kind of ties in with the idea I've had since I was little that I began to question a few years ago. Ever since I was tiny I wanted to be known. For someone to see me and think "Wow, there's that girl! She's so cool!" or "Whoa, her music makes me smile/happy/cry/something". As I got older that morphed into something slightly different. Yes, I would still like to make a career with music, but because I want to help other people that have been in my shoes with my songs and because I feel like disability rights are few and far between, especially in pop culture conscience, and I want to raise awareness, not because I wanted my face on magazine's (although that would be pretty nice, I'm free anytime vogue). I had assumed that everyone wanted to be 'known' like I did, and yeah a lot of people do, but some don't and I guess that surprised me. The more I think about it, however, I start to question if just living a nice life, with nice people, in a nice neighbourhood, with a nice job and two cats would be me living me life to the fullest.

Is there really any one way to 'live your life to the fullest' or is it just about making the best of what you get? I wonder how much of life is pre-determined and how much I determination and hard work. I think it's a mix heavily waited on the determination. You know what they say "Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration".

There was a lot of rhetorical questions in this post, sorry about that. I'm just confused at the moment. 

I have Asperger's. It is part of the Autism Spectrum and is shortened to ASD/C (Autism spectrum disorder/condition). I have written about this before in this post, but I want to talk about it again because what is happening is not okay.

I should not have to fight for reasonable adjustments which are required by law. I should not have to fight for you to believe that I have a disability - just because you 'know' about autism in boys (and P.S you still don't) that doesn't mean you know anything about presentation in girls.

Day in, day out, I struggle with tasks that everyone else finds simple - this does not mean that I am less than you, or that I am not as capable in other fields. It just means that to create a level playing field I need slight adjustments. This does not make me weak or lazy or any other negative adjective.

The number of times I have been asked to "just try, can't you just try?" when it comes to something I either simply can't do or really really struggle with because of my ASD is astounding and it shows a distinct lack of understanding and a mind of pure ignorance. Just because you can't see my disability and how it affects me like you would with a physically disabled person does not mean that it isn't there. Asking me to "just try" is the equivalent of asking a blind person to "just see".

The problem is that because I hide my struggles so well people don't believe I have a disability. Even though they know on paper. They don't actually believe it. They just think, 'Oh she's just being lazy', or 'Oh, she's just too sensitive'.

No. I am not too sensitive. I am not being lazy. I am not pretending. I have a disability and I am not sorry. I am not sorry. I am not sorry.

As difficult as it is sometimes, I love myself. I know that that's difficult for some people to understand - why would I love a disability right? Because I am so much more than my disability but my disability is also so much more than anyone else sees. I have incredible focus, I can finish things to perfection. I have above average intelligence that has meant that despite missing years of school, missing lessons, having depression, anxiety, and multiple other family problems, I have managed to maintain A's and A*'s for the majority of my GCSE's and my AS Levels with hard work.

I think it's difficult for people to understand what I mean by saying that I need help to make things equal, but also would change my disability, because it's part of me, because a lot of people see this as a contradiction.

Think of it as a bit of an old teapot. There are a few cracks that mean the tea gets colder quicker and you have to drink it twice as fast, it takes more effort to make because you have to boil the water then add the tea bag and so on, but for some reason, it makes the best goddamn tea you've ever had. Maybe the reason why is because it was a present from your mum and dad and that's why you kept it even though everyone else sees's it as more hassle that it's worth. But you don't. You see it for what it's worth, yeah it's a bit of a faff sometimes but it's worth it in the end and putting a little more effort in doesn't make the tea any less amazing.

That is what my disability is. If I didn't have my disability, I wouldn't have met my best friend, I wouldn't have my songwriting ability, I wouldn't have moved and lived in one of the most beautiful places in England. I would be the strong, resilient person I am today if I didn't have my disability.

It's that time of week again, luckily though I don't have college today so I'm not too moody today. This week is some of my favourite British music made by men - hope you enjoy! You may also notice a distinct lack of Queen here, I love Queen to much to just choose one song so I'm going to decicate a whole week to them!

Satisfaction - The Rolling Stones

Lola - The Kinks

Married With Children - Oasis

Metal Guru - T. Rex

Who Are You - The Who

Or at least one of them. A friend told me a while ago that we all have multiple soulmates - but not in the respect we're told when we're little kids. Not the Prince charming and Cinderella kind of way, but in the 'this person is perfect for me at the moment'. She said this to me in a time when I was so upset. I had lost a close friendship through simply growing apart from that person, but it all seemed to happen so quickly. One minute it was singing Taylor Swift songs with a plastic bag on my head while saying good morning, the next it was sitting cross-legged in tears before being left alone. 

I thought, "How? We had such a good time, how did this happen?". I was completely confused and upset. I thought I'd finally found my 'best friend'. You know those friends you've had since you were in nappies and know you better than yourself? Yeah, I'd never had one of them because I'd moved around so much growing up. I thought that having a best friend that I've known since I was two was the most important thing ever. That's not the case, however. Having other people is great, but not the most important thing.

I have now come to believe that everyone has multiple soulmates, and all for different reasons, that come into our lives at different points and leave it when they no longer help us grow. This might sound selfish - but I promise it's not, the other person also has you to help them grow, and when you stop improving them or they no longer feel the friendship/relationship is enriching their life, that's okay. 

We all have people that are perfect for us at different times in our life. The people I'm friends with now are great for me, but three or four years ago, we wouldn't fit. It doesn't mean that either of us were not nice people, just different. Different is fine. Different is good. 

Next time you feel like a person that has left your life should have stayed, ask yourself if they were still a soulmate, or just a friend.

As I sit here writing this, three boys in the year below me (Year 11, age 15/16) are next door listening to Kanye West. For some reason, it sent me into a spiral of thoughts about how my generation are given our first taste of politics and what is considered acceptable in life through the formats of music, films, and social media. Often things that are portrayed in a particular way by a particular artist completely defines how a young person goes on to see things in life. I must admit that as I was growing up I had a very unrealistic view of what men and women's anatomy would be. Songs and films talking about penises often described them as well over 7 inches and as I've grown up slightly, I have come to realise that that is not necessarily the case. Similarly, I thought that the second I hit puberty, and I mean exactly to the second, I would grow very large boobs. Again, not true. Why did I begin to think about this because I heard Kanye West being played? Well if you've seen the latest music video he put out you may have a slight clue.

Without a doubt, Kanye West is one of the greatest minds and creatives of this generation and the contributions he's made to not only the music industry but also other creative industries are astounding and will stand the test of time. That being said, the status his ability has given him is an important one that I think he is not fully aware of. While the majority of his demographic is slightly older than the boys in the room next to me, there are still a lot of impressionable minds that are hearing what he is saying and taking it at face value. Too often in today's society, even with the resurgence of intersectional feminism and women's rights being at the forefront of many people minds, women still treated in a way that is not acceptable. Even if the things in question are for the sake of 'art', as the video 'Famous' supposedly is, this does not allow free reign and a complete disregard of autonomy and respect. Kanye could have very easily created a different, and arguably more interesting, video while still conveying the same message about fame.

However, if he created the video simply to create controversy like the song itself or because he could, it begs the question: Is a man's desire to create 'art' intrinsically worth more than women's autonomy, respect and rights?

Whether you say yes or no to this question ultimately decides whether you think people simply overreact to sexism in media, or whether you are aware of the ramifications actions like these can have.

Ramifications such as death, even. When Fifty Shades of Grey came out I refused to see it and was appalled that it had even been published, for many reasons. One being that if you're going to publish fan fiction - which it was, there is no denying it - at least publish good ones, but secondly and more importantly, it portrayed a very abusive relationship. Yes, the people in the relationship both consented to BDSM practices, but the portrayal is reportedly so far removed from the core values of BDSM, consent and communication, that even the BDSM community has shunned the book. The book, and indeed the book it was based on, are both based on toxic relationships were the woman is subservient and dependent on their partner to the point where they are no longer a single person.

This kind of depiction of women, targeted at many different age groups, is so damaging.

Similarly to Kanye West's controversial video and song, multiple other artists have also benefitted of a sexist portrayal of women - I mean the popularity of "Blurred Lines" speaks for itself. Even bands as seemingly harmless as One Direction are sending questionable messages to their audience. "Everybody wanna steal my girl .../... she belongs to me", "If I looked inside your brain / I would find lots of things / Clothes, shoes, diamond rings" and basically the entirety of "Little Black Dress" (it reduces an entire person to an article of clothing...)

On the flip side pop culture can also provide a place like no other for empowerment and activism: Beyonce's record-breaking 'Lemonade' was about much more than her supposed romantic turbulence, Nicki Minaj's 'Anaconda' not only making a massive hit, but also a huge cultural table turn, Troye Sivan's success as a gay teen, while simultaneously making it all about his music and not 'gay baiting' as some other celebrities do. 

How do you think politics has influenced pop culture?