The new year has always brought a sense of refreshment to me, a feeling that I can start over and create a new me. This year felt different, too say the least. 

As the new year rolled in I was lying on my living room floor, surrounded by three of my closest friends, covered in blankets and half heartedly counting down to midnight. Although I had a great day/night, I just felt off and rather 'blugh'. It was strange, and to be quite honest, at midnight, I felt like crying. 

I feel as if I'm having to grow up now. I have to work hard at my AS/A Levels, I have to plan UCAS applications, prepare for Uni. And, I have realised that it's not that I just don't want to grow up, it's that I don't want to grow up this way. I don't want to grow up with the majority of my time spent stressing and worrying about essays and assessments and exams and the future. I used to love learning, love debating and thinking about the topics I was being taught; now I just feel like it's a drag until the next thing kicks in. 

I keep saying to myself, "Just hold on to the weekend, you can sleep for as long as you want then" or "Just think about the half term, you can work on your music then". To me, this doesn't sound like the life I want to live, but I can't see anyway to change it. It's unlikely I'll ever make it into the industry I want, because as much as I say "I want to be a musician" no one actually believes it'll happened, and thats beginning to feel like the inevitable. 

I hope that after college starts again I begin to feel a little more positive about how my life is at the moment, I mean, I do have a lot to be grateful for, but that seems overshadowed by the stress.

Anyway, I hope you have a slightly better outlook on the year, and feel like this is a chance to start over. 

Gothaard x