I have asperger's. I know it sounds scary but I'm honestly not that different to you. Seriously. Asperger's is part of a vast spectrum of Autism, and can also be called an ASD/C (autism spectrum disorder/condition - it only becomes a disorder if it affects your life to the point of losing function). Every single person that has an ASC has different ways it affects them, so I'm not going to go into detail, but I will link some resources for you to find out more here and here.

This post is my way of getting out all the frustration I feel towards NT people that pity, look down upon and patronise people with autism and aspergers. I know you mean well when you share that video on facebook, or that post from buzzfeed, but all it does is say to me that you view ASC's as other. What I mean by that is, when you share a video with an autistic child doing something 'normal' and 'praising' them for it, you're automatically assuming that that child's 'normal' is different to your 'normal' and that your 'normal' is better than their 'normal'. This frame of mind is very damaging to people with an ASD and makes me personally feel less than you, which is 100% not the case. 

A large misconception about people with autism/asperger's is that we don't have emotion. Not true. Sometimes it's difficult to communicate the emotion, but it's still there, and if anything, we feel more emotion that NT people as we don't really have emotional 'filters'. We just feel everything, and then it can sometimes get jumbled and not make sense. 

This idea of people with aspergers allows NT's to treat us as if we need protecting, or that we're incapable of living a 'normal' life. It makes me so angry when people are comfortable with helping severely disabled people, that are recognisably disabled, but then seem to have only two options when dealing with people with an ASD: treat us as incompetent children who can't function properly that desperately need to be helped, or flat out refuse to believe that we have a different way of thinking in some situations and therefore dismiss any problems we might face. There is a middle ground. It is possible to treat a person with an ASD as you would any other NT, but make certain adjustments when necessary - without making the person with autism/asperger's feel stupid, less than you, or in the worst case less human.

You may think that I'm overreacting - and I may be for some - but my experience with NT's treating people with aspergers as charity cases makes me feeling like I'm less than them, which in all honesty sucks.

I don't want pity or sympathy, I want empathy and understanding. But please, do not pity me.

The new year has always brought a sense of refreshment to me, a feeling that I can start over and create a new me. This year felt different, too say the least. 

As the new year rolled in I was lying on my living room floor, surrounded by three of my closest friends, covered in blankets and half heartedly counting down to midnight. Although I had a great day/night, I just felt off and rather 'blugh'. It was strange, and to be quite honest, at midnight, I felt like crying. 

I feel as if I'm having to grow up now. I have to work hard at my AS/A Levels, I have to plan UCAS applications, prepare for Uni. And, I have realised that it's not that I just don't want to grow up, it's that I don't want to grow up this way. I don't want to grow up with the majority of my time spent stressing and worrying about essays and assessments and exams and the future. I used to love learning, love debating and thinking about the topics I was being taught; now I just feel like it's a drag until the next thing kicks in. 

I keep saying to myself, "Just hold on to the weekend, you can sleep for as long as you want then" or "Just think about the half term, you can work on your music then". To me, this doesn't sound like the life I want to live, but I can't see anyway to change it. It's unlikely I'll ever make it into the industry I want, because as much as I say "I want to be a musician" no one actually believes it'll happened, and thats beginning to feel like the inevitable. 

I hope that after college starts again I begin to feel a little more positive about how my life is at the moment, I mean, I do have a lot to be grateful for, but that seems overshadowed by the stress.

Anyway, I hope you have a slightly better outlook on the year, and feel like this is a chance to start over. 

Gothaard x