I've been struggling for a while with being what other people want me to be. My teachers wan't be to be studious and well mannered and spending all my time on their subject, my friends want me to be a certain way, my sister wants me to go to university, my mum wants me to write happy songs instead of sad ones and my dad wants me to happy again. To what extent should I try to be what they want me to be?

Should I write happier songs? Is that what people want? I always feel disingenuous when I write happy songs because, if I'm being brutally honest, I'm not happy. I have days when I'm happy, I laugh and sing and all of that other stuff, but at the end of the day I'm still sad. I still have my depression, I'm still on anti-depressants and the way I cope is writing sad songs. Although I love listening to happy songs - I mean Shake It Off has made my feet bleed before because I danced so hard - but I never truly feel connected to the artist when they're singing happy words. If I hear Rollercoaster, or 22 or practically any other song that is happy, or talking about a happy event, I love listening but never really feel connected to the artist, and that's what I look for in an artist. When I listen to 'She Falls Asleep', 'All To Well' or 'Hold on Till May', even if I've never experienced that particular thing I feel so connected to the artist. That makes me feel less alone. Like someone else out there is also sad, and that it's okay, and maybe one day it'll get better.

I've always been told that to make truly beautiful music it has to be genuine, and to write a genuinely happy song, you have to be, well, happy. 

Writing this post was basically me figuring out what I need to do to make myself feel better. Even as I'm writing now everything is unfolding in my mind. I wont write a happy song until I'm genuinely happy, and if that means my music doesn't reach others till I'm happy, then so be it. I am going to do what makes me feel better, and not what makes everyone feel better. My life is for me.